Some days are harder than others

And today was one of those days. I don't know if it was because it was a Monday, or what, but today was hard. The baby woke up way too early so I had to entertain him while getting ready, so by the time I got us to work and day care I felt like I had already put in a full days work. I knew that the baby would have a rough day, since he hasn't been napping at school lately and with getting up 2 hours earlier than usual would make him even more tired. I was right, he screamed all the way home because he was tired and hungry and he was fussy until I nursed him and put him down. I hate days like this because it cuts short the little time we do have with him, and he is not in a good mood when we are with him. It makes me feel like we are hurting him by having me work.

We are debating changing childcare providers and weighing the pros and cons of a day care establishment vs. a home day care situation and along with all this comes the feeling that whatever we choose is a 2nd (or 3rd) choice, and again I am faced with the fact that no one is going to take care of him like I would. It is a little depressing, I don't want anyone to take care of him, I want to do it! Today was one of those days when I felt like just walking out, I just wanted to take the baby and go home and not come back.

Work has been frustrating lately, and I know that is part of why I have been so down lately, I feel like it is totally not worth leaving my baby for 8 hours a day. I don't want a lot, I don't want to drive the Porche SUV I saw in the day care line today, I don't care about wearing designer clothes, I just want enough money to pay our bills on one income with just a little left over! I realize when I started this blog it was to deal with my mixed feelings about going back to work, but they aren't so mixed anymore. The downsides of working and having the baby in day care only get worse the older he gets.

Starting to think about the end

Here I am, at almost 8 1/2 months into this whole adventure and still nursing exclusively (or I guess a better way to say it is that he is drinking exclusively breastmilk since he has a bottle with my pumped milk during the day), I can honestly say I did not think I would make it this long. But with 5 1/2 months of pumping under my belt, the next 3 1/2 or 4 months sounds doable. When I started back to work, I decided I was going to pump for as long as it made since for our family and not feel bad if I couldn't keep it up. I think a big part of why I have been able to keep going as long as I have is that I can nurse him on my lunch break. If anyone is thinking about nursing after they go back to work, that would be my one biggest piece of advice (that and shell out for the nicer pump). Nursing an 8 month old is more like a 10 or 15 minute wrestling match compared to the fairly relaxing 20 or 30 min snuggle session with a newborn, but I do still love nursing. There are times when I get frustrated with how easily he is distracted and how hard it is to get him to focus on eating sometimes, but it is still worth it. I love the time we get to reconnect when we get home in the afternoon, the snuggle time before daddy gets home when it is just the two of us. I love the time before bed when he is tired and falling asleep and I even like the 4am feeding when my husband brings him to me in bed and we get a few minutes to snuggle while he eats and then (hopefully) goes right back to sleep in his crib. I especially like the excuse to go see him every day at lunch and nurse him and just reassure myself that he hasn't forgotten his mama.

But, with all that said, I am starting to think about & look forward to the end of pumping. I really don't like pumping anymore, but usually I can objectively regard it as just a chore to do during the day. I am tired of coming up with deflecting comments when someone asks about the huge bag I carry, or asks why I disappear into a supply closet a couple of times a day. I don't like feeling quite so functional, like I am a cow in a milking parlor. I find myself thinking resentful & bitter thoughts in the evening as I am loading my pump parts into the dishwasher, packing parts for the next day, packing bottles for the next day, figuring out how much milk I should freeze and pulling up older frozen milk to add to the bottles for the next day, and so on as my husband is in the living room playing on the computer or playing his video games. I have almost 400 oz of milk frozen right now, and my current plan is to keep pumping for the next 2 or 3 months until I am at the point where I have enough frozen milk to take care of his daily bottles and I can stop pumping altogether and just nurse him in the mornings and evenings when we are together. I want to keep those two nursing times for as long as I can, even past his first birthday. Having a goal in mind, and an end in sight helps motivate me!