Not a good day

Today was one of the bad days, I struggled to make it through the day and not give up half way through. In some ways it is easier the longer I work full time, in that I am not crying every day, but in some ways it is harder than ever. I feel like a wimp, after all lots of moms work full time and not just survive but thrive. I have days though where I feel like I am only barely surviving. I do have good days too, but that just adds to the feeling like I am on such a roller coaster. At least once a day I reach a point where I think “there is just no way I can juggle this anymore, I am done!” Then I push through that feeling and get over it, at least for the moment.
I think part of my problem is that I think through things by talking about them, but I don’t really feel like I can talk to many people about this, for obvious reasons I can’t talk to anyone connected to my workplace, I feel my friends that have made significant sacrifices to stay at home wouldn’t understand why I am working if it gives me this much stress, my husband is my best friend and agrees that it would be good for our family if I can stay at home at some point but just doesn’t get how desperate I feel at times-if it comes to that I don’t know why I feel so desperate either and have trouble understanding exactly what I am feeling. It helps just getting it out though, even if it is just on a blog that no one reads!
I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, more days than not I live through my day thinking about when I will get home and my “real” life will start, but on the other hand there are days when I get real pleasure and enjoyment out of the mental stimulation of working and feeling productive. Should I take these feelings of discontent as a sign that I should make real changes in my life? Is it God teaching me to be content with where I am and not want what I can’t have?
Don’t get me wrong, I like what I do and I am incredibly grateful for my job in an economy where so many people are out of work. I am thankful for a job that provides so well financially for my family and that gives me a chance to use my brain. So again, that is part of why I am on such a roller coaster! I alternate between feeling like I can’t go on like this without something snapping and feeling thankful and grateful for being in this job. On top of that is the joy and delight I get from my son, and the best time of my day is when I pick him up in the evenings.
I just feel like there is this seething well of emotion under the surface of my everyday life and sometimes I can keep it down and not let it interfere with my life and other days I feel overwhelmed. It usually cycles through, it will get worse and worse until I have a break down and then after lots of weeping or anger I can get back on a more even keel for a few days. I don’t like living like this, I don’t think it is biblical but I am not sure how to stop! Hopefully I am at the bottom of the cycle and will be back up again in a few days.
Over the Christmas holidays I have a few days off while my husband is working and I am planning a “staycation” for myself, where I just hang out with my baby and get things done around the house and pretend for 6 days that I am a stay at home mom. I hope that I can spend some time in prayer and reading the Bible and that I can find the spiritual rejuvenation that I so badly need. This is a good time of year to reflect on the things that are truly important in an eternal sense, and to gain some perspective about the things that are not important.

One more giveaway

This would be an awesome way to shop for the holidays! A $100 Burlington gift card would go really far, they have some great deals!

Giveaway rattle

I just saw the link to the giveaway for this rattle and would love to get one! I am blogging about it to get another chance to win. My baby still plays with rattles, even though he is a little old for them, and I love that I wouldn't have to worry about what he was putting in his mouth.

I am going to make it all the way

I am so thankful I have made it this far, and I think it is safe to say that I am going to make it to the 12 month mark with no formula! I am not taking pride in this, formula certainly isn't a "bad" choice but I love nursing and didn't want the fact that I have to work to keep me from doing what I wanted. Also, I wanted there to be SOMETHING that only I could do. He spends most of his day with his childcare provider, and she gets to snuggle him, play with him, read to him, comfort him, etc. and I wanted something that would help me feel emotionally connected with him and keep our bond strong. I am so grateful that I was able to nurse as long as I have, I know that it just isn't feasible for lots of women that really want to nurse and I am very, very thankful! The road has certainly had some bumps at times, I remember breaking down and weeping at the 5 month mark when I thought I was losing my milk supply, and I remember almost weekly freakouts when I would have a bad time pumping at the beginning and I would imagine that it was going to have a negative impact on my supply. Just a couple of months ago I felt like there was no way I could stand to keep pumping and was doing the math to see if I could do half formula and half breastmilk and make it to the 12 month mark with the amount of milk I had frozen. But here I am, just a couple of weeks away from the magic milestone and still pumping twice a day and totally fine with it. You really don't know what you can do until you are in the moment. Just the other day I was talking to my husband about how much the baby loves to nurse and I caught myself saying "he loves it so much, maybe I will keep pumping for a little while past his first birthday so that he can keep nursing" HA! I better not be blogging this time next year about how I am STILL pumping for my almost 2 yr old :) I can see us working on weaning in a couple of months, but I am not stressing about it right now. I hope that things will change, and that with the next baby I will be able to really nurse him or her and only pump for the occasional break but if I am still working full time I know that I could do this again.

Inspired

When we were first married (over 6 years ago!) we were way better about sticking to a budget. We operated on an almost cash only basis and would set aside money each month for things like vacations and car repairs. Fast forward to the present day and we have about $3000 in credit card debt that we can't seem to get rid of, and we are constantly surprised by being out of money in our checking account and occasionally getting overdrawn when we don't transfer from savings in time. I get frustrated and stressed out about this because 1) I feel like we live pretty frugally and we try to make good money decisions, 2) the credit card debt really started about 2 years ago when we had several large expenses for the house and car (including replacing the water pipe from our house to the street!), and while we can get it down we can't get rid of it-and then something else will happen and we put it on the credit card and we get stuck in that cycle again and 3) I feel like I am trapped into working full time by our credit card debt and the thought that if we can't manage to live on 2 incomes how could we ever live on 1?!? I also know that right now we are not thinking biblically about our finances, so my New Year's goal (a little early I know) for 2009 is to develop a budget we can stick to and get rid of the credit card debt and build up our savings. So this time next year I should know how much we spend each month, we shouldn't have a balance we can't pay off the same month and our savings should be more than it is right now. I want to tithe with a grateful and worshipful heart too! I have started working towards all this by putting all our expenses into a category every day, and once a week running a report from our bank account website to see where we are for the month. I created really broad categories because in the past when we have tried to get back to budgeting we have made so many little categories that it was so tedius to keep up with it. Once I get going with this, and we are out of debt I want to get back into putting small amounts aside each month so we can handle the unexpected expenses.

I have to be careful though, I can get caught up in "saving money" and make that my idol, I can spend too much time thinking about it and working on it and ironically I can end up spending more when I start searching for deals and find things I just can't pass up. I mean, it does make sense to buy deodorant when you have a coupon that makes it free at Walgreens, but I have to be careful not to buy stuff we don't use just because it is "such a good deal!"

I won't miss this!

It is 5am and I am up because I woke up super uncomfortable at 4am. I laid in bed for a while debating getting up and pumping when it was possible the baby might wake up any moment. Eventually I got up, and pumped 10oz in 10 min (so I needed it!), but now that I just finished the baby is awake and will want to nurse. hmmmmmmmm

In the home stretch!

Well, I feel like I made it past the final obstacle between now and the baby's first birthday-the goal in the back of my mind this whole time has been that magic 12 month mark. I just got back from a girls only trip with some college friends and with 4 days away I was worried that either the baby would not be interested in nursing when I got back (he is at the stage where he has trouble sitting still long enough to nurse) or it would impact my supply negatively enough that I wouldn't be able to make enough but we both made it through just fine. It was kind of annoying to have to disappear every 2 or 3 hours for 20 min or so while I pumped and everyone else was hanging out and having fun but it wasn't too big of a deal. The worst was the travel day at the beginning of the trip, I had a connecting flight and then a 3 hr drive at the end and I went about 12 hours with only two short pumping sessions in the airport bathroom with a manual pump so I was in pain and leaking like crazy when we got to our destination. On the way back my flights were spaced better and I had lots of time to kill in the airport and was able to pump for longer so it wasn't as bad. I even made it back with about 80 oz of frozen milk, a bonus I was not even expecting! I called the airline a couple of days before I left and they said that as long as it was in my checked bag I could transport breastmilk so I packed a small cooler in my suitcase and froze the milk as I pumped it. So now we have about 3 months left and I have about 350 ounces of frozen milk and I am still getting plenty when I pump so I see no reason why we can't make it to his first birthday without formula! I had to give up so much of my vision of motherhood when I went back to work, and I am so thankful that breastfeeding was not one of them! One of the reasons I have kept going so long is that I felt like breastfeeding was even more important because I was working since it would give us a way to continue the bond that was started when I was home on maternity leave and it would also be something that I could give him that his childcare provider couldn't. Sometimes at night when the baby is so sleepy and full of milk and I am rocking him before I put him down I am so full of thanksgiving that I pour my heart out to God, thanking him for the miracle of parenthood.

On a humorous note, we had his 9 month check up a couple of weeks ago and the pediatrician was concerned at the size of his head (99% percentile) and that his soft spot was still pretty open, after checking his soft spot she turned to us and asked if we had larger than average heads. We both said that we thought we did, since we have trouble finding hats that fit, so she measured our heads and apparently my head size is off the chart and my husband is in the high 90s. So she stopped acting concerned and said she was just making a note for the dr to check his softspot at his 12 month appointment. This explains why even 18 month shirts are too small to pull over his head sometimes!

Some days are harder than others

And today was one of those days. I don't know if it was because it was a Monday, or what, but today was hard. The baby woke up way too early so I had to entertain him while getting ready, so by the time I got us to work and day care I felt like I had already put in a full days work. I knew that the baby would have a rough day, since he hasn't been napping at school lately and with getting up 2 hours earlier than usual would make him even more tired. I was right, he screamed all the way home because he was tired and hungry and he was fussy until I nursed him and put him down. I hate days like this because it cuts short the little time we do have with him, and he is not in a good mood when we are with him. It makes me feel like we are hurting him by having me work.

We are debating changing childcare providers and weighing the pros and cons of a day care establishment vs. a home day care situation and along with all this comes the feeling that whatever we choose is a 2nd (or 3rd) choice, and again I am faced with the fact that no one is going to take care of him like I would. It is a little depressing, I don't want anyone to take care of him, I want to do it! Today was one of those days when I felt like just walking out, I just wanted to take the baby and go home and not come back.

Work has been frustrating lately, and I know that is part of why I have been so down lately, I feel like it is totally not worth leaving my baby for 8 hours a day. I don't want a lot, I don't want to drive the Porche SUV I saw in the day care line today, I don't care about wearing designer clothes, I just want enough money to pay our bills on one income with just a little left over! I realize when I started this blog it was to deal with my mixed feelings about going back to work, but they aren't so mixed anymore. The downsides of working and having the baby in day care only get worse the older he gets.

Starting to think about the end

Here I am, at almost 8 1/2 months into this whole adventure and still nursing exclusively (or I guess a better way to say it is that he is drinking exclusively breastmilk since he has a bottle with my pumped milk during the day), I can honestly say I did not think I would make it this long. But with 5 1/2 months of pumping under my belt, the next 3 1/2 or 4 months sounds doable. When I started back to work, I decided I was going to pump for as long as it made since for our family and not feel bad if I couldn't keep it up. I think a big part of why I have been able to keep going as long as I have is that I can nurse him on my lunch break. If anyone is thinking about nursing after they go back to work, that would be my one biggest piece of advice (that and shell out for the nicer pump). Nursing an 8 month old is more like a 10 or 15 minute wrestling match compared to the fairly relaxing 20 or 30 min snuggle session with a newborn, but I do still love nursing. There are times when I get frustrated with how easily he is distracted and how hard it is to get him to focus on eating sometimes, but it is still worth it. I love the time we get to reconnect when we get home in the afternoon, the snuggle time before daddy gets home when it is just the two of us. I love the time before bed when he is tired and falling asleep and I even like the 4am feeding when my husband brings him to me in bed and we get a few minutes to snuggle while he eats and then (hopefully) goes right back to sleep in his crib. I especially like the excuse to go see him every day at lunch and nurse him and just reassure myself that he hasn't forgotten his mama.

But, with all that said, I am starting to think about & look forward to the end of pumping. I really don't like pumping anymore, but usually I can objectively regard it as just a chore to do during the day. I am tired of coming up with deflecting comments when someone asks about the huge bag I carry, or asks why I disappear into a supply closet a couple of times a day. I don't like feeling quite so functional, like I am a cow in a milking parlor. I find myself thinking resentful & bitter thoughts in the evening as I am loading my pump parts into the dishwasher, packing parts for the next day, packing bottles for the next day, figuring out how much milk I should freeze and pulling up older frozen milk to add to the bottles for the next day, and so on as my husband is in the living room playing on the computer or playing his video games. I have almost 400 oz of milk frozen right now, and my current plan is to keep pumping for the next 2 or 3 months until I am at the point where I have enough frozen milk to take care of his daily bottles and I can stop pumping altogether and just nurse him in the mornings and evenings when we are together. I want to keep those two nursing times for as long as I can, even past his first birthday. Having a goal in mind, and an end in sight helps motivate me!

Baby food!

Baby started eating pureed food & rice cereal a few weeks ago and he is a HUGE fan of food, so far he has loved everything he has tried. I really wanted to make some of his food, partly for cost (I can make food from organic produce for way cheaper per oz than buying organic baby food at the store) and partly because I like cooking and I wanted to cook for my baby. I ended up buying organic sweet potatoes, apples, pears, acorn squash and avocados with plans to batch cook them and freeze in ice cube trays. It all worked out really well, except for the avocados that turned brown before I got to them. The sweet potatoes and apples were well worth it, cost wise, the pears less so (they were $7 a lb-I need to watch for cheaper pears!) and I forgot to do the math on the squash. So far he has tried everything except the pears, but I expect he will like them as much as he has liked everything else. It has been great to just run down to the garage and grab a couple of cubes of food to make his dinner.

I am not totally opposed to the commercial foods, we got several of the Gerber organic brand cartons of food, partly to make it easier to send food with him to school and also to have some easy room temp food for a backup on lazy nights.

One of my main goals though in cooking for him was to find things we could make for him that were part of our regular dinner plans for ourselves, I wanted to incorporate fixing his meals into fixing our meals, both because I liked the idea of a family meal and it seemed like the easier it is the more likely it is that we will actually make his food. I looked for a cookbook that would let me do this, and both this one and this one came close, but neither were exactly what I was looking for. I wanted something that would let two people who work full time and try to shop within a budget find ideas for easy & healthy family meals made with ingredients that you can buy mostly at Kroger, Publix & Wal-mart (with only occasional trips to a specialty store like Whole Foods). So since I didn't find the cookbook I wanted, I am going to try to write down what works and share my ideas on this blog both to help myself remember and for anyone that happens to be reading it!

This morning was the first time I realized my ideal of a one pot meal that all 3 of us can eat, so I definitely want to share this idea! We all three ate toasted millet cereal, which goes against my "manifesto" above since I bought the millet in bulk from a whole grain supplier and not the grocery store, but I think I have seen it at a regular grocery store too and it was super easy to make.

Millet Cereal
Advance prep: I toasted about 1/2 cup of millet the night before, I just put it in a little pan and stuck it in the toaster oven for two cycles and then put it in a food container to store it.

To make the cereal grind the millet to a fine powder (I used a spare coffee grinder we use just for grinding spices & grains), & put in a pot with about 2 cups of water (I think a 1:4 ratio works to make a good consistency for a beginning eater). Bring the water to a boil, turn down the heat, cover and simmer for about 10 min. For the baby's portion I spooned about 1/4 of a cup of cereal into his bowl and stirred in a frozen cube of applesauce, both to flavor it and cool it down enough for him to eat. My husband and I ate it with milk, honey & cinnamon. This breakfast was a winner on several counts, it was: 1) nutritious, 2) yummy, 3) something the whole family can eat and 4) and cheap!

Encouragement

Sometimes I feel like I am in a little bit of a rut, or a funk. Our evenings are never long enough to get everything done, there are piles of laundry to be washed, the sink is usually full of dishes waiting on the dishes in the dishwasher to finish, I have to remember to wash all my pump parts and figure out about his bottles for the next day and on and on. While the baby is still up, playing with him and working on dinner are usually our priorities, and then the other stuff gets done (or not) after he goes to bed. The side effect of all this is that I feel like I have little or no time to be myself, I like to cook, to mess around with sewing, to read, to work in the yard, but I almost never have time (or energy) for any of my normal creative outlets. I feel this tension between what is urgent and what is important. Actually, nursing is good for keeping my priorities straight, it forces me to stop in the midst of the mess and sit on the couch with my baby and just focus on taking care of him for 20 min or so, his hungry tummy doesn't care that there might be laundry that needs folding, or floors that need sweeping.

In the midst of all this, it is encouraging to read blogs like this http://wendolonia.com/blog/category/bentos/ and see another working mom trying to make thoughtful choices for her son's lunches. These lunches are so pretty and are such a cool way to be creative, while taking care of the practical need to send a lunch to preschool for her son. I want to try to make thoughtful decisions like this in my life, and to find ways like this to express my personality and be myself in my new life without looking back or regretting my old life because I would never, ever want to go back to my life pre-baby.

Mother's Day

This is my first official mother's day (with a baby on the outside anyway), and I am so thankful to be a mom. I had no idea what it would be like, and how amazing it would be. We are having so much fun with our baby.

I started this blog to have a place to work through my thoughts about working, nursing, daycare, and all that goes along with that. It helps me to "think out loud" when I am processing stuff and it has been helpful. If along the way, I can also give some tips to another working mom that will be a bonus. I am sure no one will ever read this, except maybe the two friends I told about it, I want to be anonymous so that I don't feel like I have to edit myself and I can write whatever I want.

I will continue to breastfeed as long as it makes sense for our family and seems like the best decision. My original goal was to make it to 6 months exclusively breastfeeding, but that was stressing me out and I started having pumping issues. Once I gave myself permission to let go of that goal and just take it day by day, my production went way up and actually makes it more likely that I can keep this up for longer.

The last few days his feeding schedule has been erratic, Wednesday was the worst, when I got there to pick him up he was sitting in a swing screaming because he was hungry. He drank all his milk at 2:30 and just couldn’t make it until 5. I think I need to send a little more milk, 9 oz for the morning and 9 oz for the afternoon (I was sending 8 oz for each), and also send a back up bottle with 3 oz just in case he is hungrier that day. This will mean pumping 3 times some days, and 2 times other days but I can handle that for now. On Tuesday I actually went to the day care at 4 pm and nursed him, but I certainly can’t do that everyday.

I know my last few posts have been very negative, and there are certainly days when I am sad or bitter about our situation and having to put him in day care, but there are also days when I feel okay about where are, days when my job is challenging and I enjoy what I am doing and when the baby is happy and seems to enjoy the social aspect of day care. They do fun things with the babies, he is always making paintings or smiling and interacting with the other babies.

Isn't this supposed to get easer?

When I started back to work everyone told me it would get easier as time went on, and maybe 2 months isn't long enough for it to get easier, but it is still HARD. Yesterday while I was nursing him at lunch I was watching one baby cry in his crib because each of the teachers was caring for another baby, and I thought about my baby laying there crying and then I started crying myself. As I cried on my way back to work I questioned once again, whether this is worth it or not.

I think the guilt is one of the hardest things to deal with as a working mom, I feel guilty when I leave him in the morning and I feel guilty when I get into what I am doing at work and don't think about him for minutes at a time. Today I was talking to my boss about future plans for our department and my career specifically and I was getting excited about the opportunities and then had to catch myself and remind myself that my husband and I were just talking about me possibly being able to quit working in a year so that I can stay home with the baby. I don't know what I want! When my job was boring I was miserable because I had so much time to think about the baby and how much I missed him, but now that my job is better I feel a different kind of guilt.

This sucks!

When I got to the daycare today to nurse the baby at lunch, he was sitting in a swing screaming next to another equally unhappy baby. The teacher was busy giving a bottle to a different baby, and couldn’t attend to the two crying babies. I almost picked him up and walked out.

I quickly got him out of the swing, and started nursing him as soon as possible; and while he was eating he continued to shudder as he calmed down. I was fighting tears myself at this point, trying to remember why I was working. I think we have a good day care, but no one can take care of my baby like I would. I am not saying that he would never cry if I was home with him, but I can say that he would never be sitting in a swing screaming from hunger.

He is not a fussy baby, so to get to that point he must have been really hungry, I feel so guilty right now. I go nurse him instead of leaving a bottle for him for several reasons, and I think it is the best thing for him, but timing my lunch is tricky. Sometimes I get there and he is in the middle of a nap, so I have to wake him up (which sucks!) and sometimes he is awake and hungry like today, either way is not what I want to happen. But today, even if I left a bottle at lunch instead of nursing, he still would have had to wait until the teacher was done with the other baby.

I am trying to remind myself that I need to work to 1) pay off debt, 2) allow us to save some, 3) allow us to eat meat more often, 4) allow us to have the money to travel out of town for things like my brother’s graduation later this month. I know that this doesn’t happen everyday, and that he wasn’t harmed by the crying fit he had today, but I am having trouble believing that any of this is important right now.

Worn out

I am so tired, it is days like this that make me contemplate just not going into work-ever again. I am up to pumping 3 times a day to get enough milk for baby, and on mornings like this morning that extra 20 min is more than I can handle. Part of the problem this morning may be that I accidentally drank too much wine last night (I am not used to this new low tolerance!), and also the fact that it is Friday. By the time I get to work in the morning I feel like I have already put in a full day's work. This morning the baby woke up at 4 to eat, I put him back to bed around 4:30 and then dozed for an hour until I had to get up.

Most days I work to have a pretty good attitude, but I have been in a funk this week that I can't seem to totally shake. I am looking forward to a weekend at my in laws, a weekend for resting and eating good food and being spoiled!

Also, Blogger is really irritating me, my blog was locked for a couple of weeks because it got labled as a possible spam blog and it took them forever to realize I am a real person.

Week 1

Day 1

Nursed at 4 am
Tried to get baby to eat before leaving at 7:30, baby just fought it and cried
Riding with husband so mom can have my car, cried on way to work
Got to work, frantically moved stuff to new desk before old boss got to work
Said hi to people, answered “hows baby” and “do you miss him” 10,000 times
Put up pictures, tried not to cry at desk
Couldn’t call mom this morning, afraid of breaking down
Nervous about pumping, didn’t talk to woman about sharing closet until very uncomfortable
Closet turns out to be great pumping place, first pumping went well
Mom came at lunch with baby, nursed in CFA
Pumped again in the afternoon
Baby ate 12 oz today, have no idea if this is good amount or not
Husband picked me up
Nursed when I got home, yay!
Pumped before bed
Cried myself to sleep

Day 2

So tired from day before, didn’t hear baby crying at midnight until mom woke me up
Nursed baby on one side, went back to bed
Nursed baby at 4
Mom lectured about using white noise fan when we have baby, of course the first time we didn't hear the baby is while she was here
Cried on the way to work
Able to call mom this morning without crying
Today harder then yesterday, lots of moms do this and it turns out okay, right?
Pumping went well, brought book today
Mom came for lunch, got hamburgers, nursed baby in restaurant
Brought baby up to office, took him around to meet people
Pumped again, getting used to this
Rode home with husband, so tired
mom said baby only ate 7 oz, worried about how much baby ate
Watched movie, pumped, went to bed

Day 3
Fell asleep nursing at midnight, woke up 2 hrs later cold with shirt still pulled up
Nursed at 4, fell asleep with baby on side next to edge-not safe!
Baby fussed at 5 to nurse again on other side
Angry and sad as I wash pump parts & bottles, husband calls from the back of the house to see
what I am doing, want to snap at him but (almost) answer calmly
Drove to work in silence
Worried baby will prefer bottle over nursing, cried at desk
Talking to pregnant coworker, started crying
Pumped
Mom brought baby at lunch, sat in car in Kroger parking lot eating wendy’s, nursing baby
Pumped, had to wait for crowd to clear from in front of closet
Worst day so far
Husband picked me up, got take out Chinese
Almost silent car ride, started worrying about becoming emotionally distant from husband
Home, yay!
Baby nursed twice on each side and was happy and smiling and in a playful mood
So relieved baby is nursing well, tell myself I have a morbid imagination, feel friendly towards husband
Rock baby to sleep
Skipped bedtime pumping, I am pumping enough during the day and I am tired!

Day 4
Woke at 11-baby added back a feeding at night this week, glad for the extra nursing sad about lack of sleep!
Woke at 4 to nurse
5:30 accidentally turned off alarm
6:30 husband’s alarm went off
Played with baby and husband, baby happy and smiley, so hard to think of leaving
Only nursed on one side, trying to force baby to eat on other side before leaving for work
Didn’t cry on the way to work-an achievement!
Pumped 12 oz in the morning when baby only ate 5-so far no production issues!
Nursed one side at lunch
Realized didn’t have key to pumping closet, other girl with key gone for the day
Start having shooting pains on side baby didn’t eat on at lunch
Thinking frantically, worrying about clogged ducts and mastitis and losing supply
Asked b-i-l to borrow his car to “run an errand”
Pumped in bank parking lot for relief, so hot and uncomfortable in the car
Smelled cigarette on the way back in to work, really, really wanted one
Almost started crying when back at desk, this sucks!
Baby won’t nap for my mom, she mentions she hasn’t had a productive day-I don't feel very sorry for her
Checked in with mom, she said she spilled a bottle, crap! I work hard for that milk
Baby didn’t nap much today, can hear his whines and whimpers in the background, so hard, feel like whimpering myself
Can’t wait for husband to pick me up
Finally made it home, now baby is napping!
In pain, need to feed the baby! Nurse as soon as he wakes up
Ah, relief and cuddle time
Mom asks if I fed on left side, totally lopsided at this point
Baby didn’t nap much today, still stayed up til 9

Day 5
Baby slept until 3! Looks so big in his crib, a little sad
Friday, yay!! I made it
Feeling lopsided, try to feed baby before work on side he didn't finish at 3
Baby blows out diaper, already in work clothes
Stick a t-shirt under him, call for husband to rescue me
Double checked key to closet is in my purse, don’t want a repeat of yesterday!
Today was easier to leave, not sure if I am happy about that
Talked to mom, listened to complaints about house
Pumped-10 oz!
Talked to mom, baby drank 5 oz after nap
So tired and hungry, won’t get lunch until at least 1
Mom late for lunch, baby in the middle of his afternoon nap, didn’t wake up to nurse
Went shopping for baby clothes with mom
Mom bought several new outfits! Did NOT want to go back to work
Uncomfortable because last time I pumped was 9:30 and baby didn’t eat
Pumped 10 oz, worried about milk supply after two days in a row of pumping/nursing issues
Relieved I can nurse all weekend
So worn out and tired
Finally home and the first week is over!
Hoping that this week is the hardest

Nice to meet you!

First, a little about myself to give some context to the rest of my thoughts. I am (almost) 28 years old, I have been married 5 1/2 years and gave birth to our first child at the end of 2007, our son will be 12 weeks old tomorrow. My maternity leave just ended, and this past week was my first full week back at work. I have very mixed feelings about being back at work full time and apart from my baby. My mom was a stay at home mom and I always pictured myself doing the same thing, without really questioning whether that is what I wanted or not. Financial circumstances were the main reason for me returning to work so quickly, but this whole process has forced me to do some soul searching about my thoughts on working now that I am a mom. For the last 3 months my life has revolved around the rhythms of my newborn's life. Sure I met friends for lunch, and did things for my own fun these last 3 months but my day was structured around his need to eat, sleep and "play." It felt so natural to slide into this lifestyle and going back to work feels like an abrupt, unnatural break.

On the other hand, I like working. I like earning money, and the intellectual challenges that are part of my job. There is also something about preserving some of my independence that is very attractive-something could happen to my husband or his job and I would be okay. I like that feeling.

I am trying to work through my thoughts and feelings as I figure out my new identity as a working mom.