Not a good day

Today was one of the bad days, I struggled to make it through the day and not give up half way through. In some ways it is easier the longer I work full time, in that I am not crying every day, but in some ways it is harder than ever. I feel like a wimp, after all lots of moms work full time and not just survive but thrive. I have days though where I feel like I am only barely surviving. I do have good days too, but that just adds to the feeling like I am on such a roller coaster. At least once a day I reach a point where I think “there is just no way I can juggle this anymore, I am done!” Then I push through that feeling and get over it, at least for the moment.
I think part of my problem is that I think through things by talking about them, but I don’t really feel like I can talk to many people about this, for obvious reasons I can’t talk to anyone connected to my workplace, I feel my friends that have made significant sacrifices to stay at home wouldn’t understand why I am working if it gives me this much stress, my husband is my best friend and agrees that it would be good for our family if I can stay at home at some point but just doesn’t get how desperate I feel at times-if it comes to that I don’t know why I feel so desperate either and have trouble understanding exactly what I am feeling. It helps just getting it out though, even if it is just on a blog that no one reads!
I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, more days than not I live through my day thinking about when I will get home and my “real” life will start, but on the other hand there are days when I get real pleasure and enjoyment out of the mental stimulation of working and feeling productive. Should I take these feelings of discontent as a sign that I should make real changes in my life? Is it God teaching me to be content with where I am and not want what I can’t have?
Don’t get me wrong, I like what I do and I am incredibly grateful for my job in an economy where so many people are out of work. I am thankful for a job that provides so well financially for my family and that gives me a chance to use my brain. So again, that is part of why I am on such a roller coaster! I alternate between feeling like I can’t go on like this without something snapping and feeling thankful and grateful for being in this job. On top of that is the joy and delight I get from my son, and the best time of my day is when I pick him up in the evenings.
I just feel like there is this seething well of emotion under the surface of my everyday life and sometimes I can keep it down and not let it interfere with my life and other days I feel overwhelmed. It usually cycles through, it will get worse and worse until I have a break down and then after lots of weeping or anger I can get back on a more even keel for a few days. I don’t like living like this, I don’t think it is biblical but I am not sure how to stop! Hopefully I am at the bottom of the cycle and will be back up again in a few days.
Over the Christmas holidays I have a few days off while my husband is working and I am planning a “staycation” for myself, where I just hang out with my baby and get things done around the house and pretend for 6 days that I am a stay at home mom. I hope that I can spend some time in prayer and reading the Bible and that I can find the spiritual rejuvenation that I so badly need. This is a good time of year to reflect on the things that are truly important in an eternal sense, and to gain some perspective about the things that are not important.