And today was one of those days. I don't know if it was because it was a Monday, or what, but today was hard. The baby woke up way too early so I had to entertain him while getting ready, so by the time I got us to work and day care I felt like I had already put in a full days work. I knew that the baby would have a rough day, since he hasn't been napping at school lately and with getting up 2 hours earlier than usual would make him even more tired. I was right, he screamed all the way home because he was tired and hungry and he was fussy until I nursed him and put him down. I hate days like this because it cuts short the little time we do have with him, and he is not in a good mood when we are with him. It makes me feel like we are hurting him by having me work.
We are debating changing childcare providers and weighing the pros and cons of a day care establishment vs. a home day care situation and along with all this comes the feeling that whatever we choose is a 2nd (or 3rd) choice, and again I am faced with the fact that no one is going to take care of him like I would. It is a little depressing, I don't want anyone to take care of him, I want to do it! Today was one of those days when I felt like just walking out, I just wanted to take the baby and go home and not come back.
Work has been frustrating lately, and I know that is part of why I have been so down lately, I feel like it is totally not worth leaving my baby for 8 hours a day. I don't want a lot, I don't want to drive the Porche SUV I saw in the day care line today, I don't care about wearing designer clothes, I just want enough money to pay our bills on one income with just a little left over! I realize when I started this blog it was to deal with my mixed feelings about going back to work, but they aren't so mixed anymore. The downsides of working and having the baby in day care only get worse the older he gets.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Starting to think about the end
Here I am, at almost 8 1/2 months into this whole adventure and still nursing exclusively (or I guess a better way to say it is that he is drinking exclusively breastmilk since he has a bottle with my pumped milk during the day), I can honestly say I did not think I would make it this long. But with 5 1/2 months of pumping under my belt, the next 3 1/2 or 4 months sounds doable. When I started back to work, I decided I was going to pump for as long as it made since for our family and not feel bad if I couldn't keep it up. I think a big part of why I have been able to keep going as long as I have is that I can nurse him on my lunch break. If anyone is thinking about nursing after they go back to work, that would be my one biggest piece of advice (that and shell out for the nicer pump). Nursing an 8 month old is more like a 10 or 15 minute wrestling match compared to the fairly relaxing 20 or 30 min snuggle session with a newborn, but I do still love nursing. There are times when I get frustrated with how easily he is distracted and how hard it is to get him to focus on eating sometimes, but it is still worth it. I love the time we get to reconnect when we get home in the afternoon, the snuggle time before daddy gets home when it is just the two of us. I love the time before bed when he is tired and falling asleep and I even like the 4am feeding when my husband brings him to me in bed and we get a few minutes to snuggle while he eats and then (hopefully) goes right back to sleep in his crib. I especially like the excuse to go see him every day at lunch and nurse him and just reassure myself that he hasn't forgotten his mama.
But, with all that said, I am starting to think about & look forward to the end of pumping. I really don't like pumping anymore, but usually I can objectively regard it as just a chore to do during the day. I am tired of coming up with deflecting comments when someone asks about the huge bag I carry, or asks why I disappear into a supply closet a couple of times a day. I don't like feeling quite so functional, like I am a cow in a milking parlor. I find myself thinking resentful & bitter thoughts in the evening as I am loading my pump parts into the dishwasher, packing parts for the next day, packing bottles for the next day, figuring out how much milk I should freeze and pulling up older frozen milk to add to the bottles for the next day, and so on as my husband is in the living room playing on the computer or playing his video games. I have almost 400 oz of milk frozen right now, and my current plan is to keep pumping for the next 2 or 3 months until I am at the point where I have enough frozen milk to take care of his daily bottles and I can stop pumping altogether and just nurse him in the mornings and evenings when we are together. I want to keep those two nursing times for as long as I can, even past his first birthday. Having a goal in mind, and an end in sight helps motivate me!
But, with all that said, I am starting to think about & look forward to the end of pumping. I really don't like pumping anymore, but usually I can objectively regard it as just a chore to do during the day. I am tired of coming up with deflecting comments when someone asks about the huge bag I carry, or asks why I disappear into a supply closet a couple of times a day. I don't like feeling quite so functional, like I am a cow in a milking parlor. I find myself thinking resentful & bitter thoughts in the evening as I am loading my pump parts into the dishwasher, packing parts for the next day, packing bottles for the next day, figuring out how much milk I should freeze and pulling up older frozen milk to add to the bottles for the next day, and so on as my husband is in the living room playing on the computer or playing his video games. I have almost 400 oz of milk frozen right now, and my current plan is to keep pumping for the next 2 or 3 months until I am at the point where I have enough frozen milk to take care of his daily bottles and I can stop pumping altogether and just nurse him in the mornings and evenings when we are together. I want to keep those two nursing times for as long as I can, even past his first birthday. Having a goal in mind, and an end in sight helps motivate me!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Baby food!
Baby started eating pureed food & rice cereal a few weeks ago and he is a HUGE fan of food, so far he has loved everything he has tried. I really wanted to make some of his food, partly for cost (I can make food from organic produce for way cheaper per oz than buying organic baby food at the store) and partly because I like cooking and I wanted to cook for my baby. I ended up buying organic sweet potatoes, apples, pears, acorn squash and avocados with plans to batch cook them and freeze in ice cube trays. It all worked out really well, except for the avocados that turned brown before I got to them. The sweet potatoes and apples were well worth it, cost wise, the pears less so (they were $7 a lb-I need to watch for cheaper pears!) and I forgot to do the math on the squash. So far he has tried everything except the pears, but I expect he will like them as much as he has liked everything else. It has been great to just run down to the garage and grab a couple of cubes of food to make his dinner.
I am not totally opposed to the commercial foods, we got several of the Gerber organic brand cartons of food, partly to make it easier to send food with him to school and also to have some easy room temp food for a backup on lazy nights.
One of my main goals though in cooking for him was to find things we could make for him that were part of our regular dinner plans for ourselves, I wanted to incorporate fixing his meals into fixing our meals, both because I liked the idea of a family meal and it seemed like the easier it is the more likely it is that we will actually make his food. I looked for a cookbook that would let me do this, and both this one and this one came close, but neither were exactly what I was looking for. I wanted something that would let two people who work full time and try to shop within a budget find ideas for easy & healthy family meals made with ingredients that you can buy mostly at Kroger, Publix & Wal-mart (with only occasional trips to a specialty store like Whole Foods). So since I didn't find the cookbook I wanted, I am going to try to write down what works and share my ideas on this blog both to help myself remember and for anyone that happens to be reading it!
This morning was the first time I realized my ideal of a one pot meal that all 3 of us can eat, so I definitely want to share this idea! We all three ate toasted millet cereal, which goes against my "manifesto" above since I bought the millet in bulk from a whole grain supplier and not the grocery store, but I think I have seen it at a regular grocery store too and it was super easy to make.
Millet Cereal
Advance prep: I toasted about 1/2 cup of millet the night before, I just put it in a little pan and stuck it in the toaster oven for two cycles and then put it in a food container to store it.
To make the cereal grind the millet to a fine powder (I used a spare coffee grinder we use just for grinding spices & grains), & put in a pot with about 2 cups of water (I think a 1:4 ratio works to make a good consistency for a beginning eater). Bring the water to a boil, turn down the heat, cover and simmer for about 10 min. For the baby's portion I spooned about 1/4 of a cup of cereal into his bowl and stirred in a frozen cube of applesauce, both to flavor it and cool it down enough for him to eat. My husband and I ate it with milk, honey & cinnamon. This breakfast was a winner on several counts, it was: 1) nutritious, 2) yummy, 3) something the whole family can eat and 4) and cheap!
I am not totally opposed to the commercial foods, we got several of the Gerber organic brand cartons of food, partly to make it easier to send food with him to school and also to have some easy room temp food for a backup on lazy nights.
One of my main goals though in cooking for him was to find things we could make for him that were part of our regular dinner plans for ourselves, I wanted to incorporate fixing his meals into fixing our meals, both because I liked the idea of a family meal and it seemed like the easier it is the more likely it is that we will actually make his food. I looked for a cookbook that would let me do this, and both this one and this one came close, but neither were exactly what I was looking for. I wanted something that would let two people who work full time and try to shop within a budget find ideas for easy & healthy family meals made with ingredients that you can buy mostly at Kroger, Publix & Wal-mart (with only occasional trips to a specialty store like Whole Foods). So since I didn't find the cookbook I wanted, I am going to try to write down what works and share my ideas on this blog both to help myself remember and for anyone that happens to be reading it!
This morning was the first time I realized my ideal of a one pot meal that all 3 of us can eat, so I definitely want to share this idea! We all three ate toasted millet cereal, which goes against my "manifesto" above since I bought the millet in bulk from a whole grain supplier and not the grocery store, but I think I have seen it at a regular grocery store too and it was super easy to make.
Millet Cereal
Advance prep: I toasted about 1/2 cup of millet the night before, I just put it in a little pan and stuck it in the toaster oven for two cycles and then put it in a food container to store it.
To make the cereal grind the millet to a fine powder (I used a spare coffee grinder we use just for grinding spices & grains), & put in a pot with about 2 cups of water (I think a 1:4 ratio works to make a good consistency for a beginning eater). Bring the water to a boil, turn down the heat, cover and simmer for about 10 min. For the baby's portion I spooned about 1/4 of a cup of cereal into his bowl and stirred in a frozen cube of applesauce, both to flavor it and cool it down enough for him to eat. My husband and I ate it with milk, honey & cinnamon. This breakfast was a winner on several counts, it was: 1) nutritious, 2) yummy, 3) something the whole family can eat and 4) and cheap!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Encouragement
Sometimes I feel like I am in a little bit of a rut, or a funk. Our evenings are never long enough to get everything done, there are piles of laundry to be washed, the sink is usually full of dishes waiting on the dishes in the dishwasher to finish, I have to remember to wash all my pump parts and figure out about his bottles for the next day and on and on. While the baby is still up, playing with him and working on dinner are usually our priorities, and then the other stuff gets done (or not) after he goes to bed. The side effect of all this is that I feel like I have little or no time to be myself, I like to cook, to mess around with sewing, to read, to work in the yard, but I almost never have time (or energy) for any of my normal creative outlets. I feel this tension between what is urgent and what is important. Actually, nursing is good for keeping my priorities straight, it forces me to stop in the midst of the mess and sit on the couch with my baby and just focus on taking care of him for 20 min or so, his hungry tummy doesn't care that there might be laundry that needs folding, or floors that need sweeping.
In the midst of all this, it is encouraging to read blogs like this http://wendolonia.com/blog/category/bentos/ and see another working mom trying to make thoughtful choices for her son's lunches. These lunches are so pretty and are such a cool way to be creative, while taking care of the practical need to send a lunch to preschool for her son. I want to try to make thoughtful decisions like this in my life, and to find ways like this to express my personality and be myself in my new life without looking back or regretting my old life because I would never, ever want to go back to my life pre-baby.
In the midst of all this, it is encouraging to read blogs like this http://wendolonia.com/blog/category/bentos/ and see another working mom trying to make thoughtful choices for her son's lunches. These lunches are so pretty and are such a cool way to be creative, while taking care of the practical need to send a lunch to preschool for her son. I want to try to make thoughtful decisions like this in my life, and to find ways like this to express my personality and be myself in my new life without looking back or regretting my old life because I would never, ever want to go back to my life pre-baby.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's Day
This is my first official mother's day (with a baby on the outside anyway), and I am so thankful to be a mom. I had no idea what it would be like, and how amazing it would be. We are having so much fun with our baby.
I started this blog to have a place to work through my thoughts about working, nursing, daycare, and all that goes along with that. It helps me to "think out loud" when I am processing stuff and it has been helpful. If along the way, I can also give some tips to another working mom that will be a bonus. I am sure no one will ever read this, except maybe the two friends I told about it, I want to be anonymous so that I don't feel like I have to edit myself and I can write whatever I want.
I will continue to breastfeed as long as it makes sense for our family and seems like the best decision. My original goal was to make it to 6 months exclusively breastfeeding, but that was stressing me out and I started having pumping issues. Once I gave myself permission to let go of that goal and just take it day by day, my production went way up and actually makes it more likely that I can keep this up for longer.
The last few days his feeding schedule has been erratic, Wednesday was the worst, when I got there to pick him up he was sitting in a swing screaming because he was hungry. He drank all his milk at 2:30 and just couldn’t make it until 5. I think I need to send a little more milk, 9 oz for the morning and 9 oz for the afternoon (I was sending 8 oz for each), and also send a back up bottle with 3 oz just in case he is hungrier that day. This will mean pumping 3 times some days, and 2 times other days but I can handle that for now. On Tuesday I actually went to the day care at 4 pm and nursed him, but I certainly can’t do that everyday.
I know my last few posts have been very negative, and there are certainly days when I am sad or bitter about our situation and having to put him in day care, but there are also days when I feel okay about where are, days when my job is challenging and I enjoy what I am doing and when the baby is happy and seems to enjoy the social aspect of day care. They do fun things with the babies, he is always making paintings or smiling and interacting with the other babies.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Isn't this supposed to get easer?
When I started back to work everyone told me it would get easier as time went on, and maybe 2 months isn't long enough for it to get easier, but it is still HARD. Yesterday while I was nursing him at lunch I was watching one baby cry in his crib because each of the teachers was caring for another baby, and I thought about my baby laying there crying and then I started crying myself. As I cried on my way back to work I questioned once again, whether this is worth it or not.
I think the guilt is one of the hardest things to deal with as a working mom, I feel guilty when I leave him in the morning and I feel guilty when I get into what I am doing at work and don't think about him for minutes at a time. Today I was talking to my boss about future plans for our department and my career specifically and I was getting excited about the opportunities and then had to catch myself and remind myself that my husband and I were just talking about me possibly being able to quit working in a year so that I can stay home with the baby. I don't know what I want! When my job was boring I was miserable because I had so much time to think about the baby and how much I missed him, but now that my job is better I feel a different kind of guilt.
I think the guilt is one of the hardest things to deal with as a working mom, I feel guilty when I leave him in the morning and I feel guilty when I get into what I am doing at work and don't think about him for minutes at a time. Today I was talking to my boss about future plans for our department and my career specifically and I was getting excited about the opportunities and then had to catch myself and remind myself that my husband and I were just talking about me possibly being able to quit working in a year so that I can stay home with the baby. I don't know what I want! When my job was boring I was miserable because I had so much time to think about the baby and how much I missed him, but now that my job is better I feel a different kind of guilt.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
This sucks!
When I got to the daycare today to nurse the baby at lunch, he was sitting in a swing screaming next to another equally unhappy baby. The teacher was busy giving a bottle to a different baby, and couldn’t attend to the two crying babies. I almost picked him up and walked out.
I quickly got him out of the swing, and started nursing him as soon as possible; and while he was eating he continued to shudder as he calmed down. I was fighting tears myself at this point, trying to remember why I was working. I think we have a good day care, but no one can take care of my baby like I would. I am not saying that he would never cry if I was home with him, but I can say that he would never be sitting in a swing screaming from hunger.
He is not a fussy baby, so to get to that point he must have been really hungry, I feel so guilty right now. I go nurse him instead of leaving a bottle for him for several reasons, and I think it is the best thing for him, but timing my lunch is tricky. Sometimes I get there and he is in the middle of a nap, so I have to wake him up (which sucks!) and sometimes he is awake and hungry like today, either way is not what I want to happen. But today, even if I left a bottle at lunch instead of nursing, he still would have had to wait until the teacher was done with the other baby.
I am trying to remind myself that I need to work to 1) pay off debt, 2) allow us to save some, 3) allow us to eat meat more often, 4) allow us to have the money to travel out of town for things like my brother’s graduation later this month. I know that this doesn’t happen everyday, and that he wasn’t harmed by the crying fit he had today, but I am having trouble believing that any of this is important right now.
I quickly got him out of the swing, and started nursing him as soon as possible; and while he was eating he continued to shudder as he calmed down. I was fighting tears myself at this point, trying to remember why I was working. I think we have a good day care, but no one can take care of my baby like I would. I am not saying that he would never cry if I was home with him, but I can say that he would never be sitting in a swing screaming from hunger.
He is not a fussy baby, so to get to that point he must have been really hungry, I feel so guilty right now. I go nurse him instead of leaving a bottle for him for several reasons, and I think it is the best thing for him, but timing my lunch is tricky. Sometimes I get there and he is in the middle of a nap, so I have to wake him up (which sucks!) and sometimes he is awake and hungry like today, either way is not what I want to happen. But today, even if I left a bottle at lunch instead of nursing, he still would have had to wait until the teacher was done with the other baby.
I am trying to remind myself that I need to work to 1) pay off debt, 2) allow us to save some, 3) allow us to eat meat more often, 4) allow us to have the money to travel out of town for things like my brother’s graduation later this month. I know that this doesn’t happen everyday, and that he wasn’t harmed by the crying fit he had today, but I am having trouble believing that any of this is important right now.
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